Love is a Mixtape
by Caitlynnn
Summary: Their story does not end well. But then again. When does it ever? A story about first love, and the possibility of love at first sight. And how sometimes through tragedy it can bring or tear apart two people together. Death, love, life, loss. Love is a mixtape. ECLARE. ONESHOT.


**Longest one shot I have ever written. If you read this all the way through I bow down to you. Yes. Its eclare. I don't know how I came up with it… I just was sitting at the clinic and I almost ran into someone and then it just kind of unfolded from there. **

**There is a ton of playlists in this probably why its so lengthy but all the songs are amazing. Some songs are repeated and put in different playlist for reasons. I suggest looking up All Night by Houses. It's really important to this story. But you don't have to. If you don't like the music in here, I'm sorry. I have a weird taste of music. **

**It's a love story, but it's not so much of that, it's more of… falling in love for the first time or just the fact that you CAN fall in love with someone and barely know them. It happens. It sounds stupid but from my own experience, I fell in love with my best friend at first sight. It was weird, but it happened. **

**Also: Clare is a mature adult. I hope I don't get preached at in certain parts of the story. The beginning is a flashback. **

**Enjoy. Don't forget to Review. **

**I don't own Degrassi or the songs in here. **

They pull in for a kiss, eyes closed and in a split second Eli tastes…. Blood. She crashes to the ground and there's a knife in her back.

"No!" He screams as he melts to the ground with her and screams "Help! Somebody help!" He can't see through the tears, though a shadow in the dark runs with her purse nowhere to be found again.

"Stay with me," He begs her, taking off his jacket and wraps it around her like it will help somehow. "Stay with me." He begs again, rocking her. In the distance he can hear the ambulance and the people in the park are surrounding him taking pictures and questioning if he's alright.

Though this moment is one that you can't ever forget even if you tried.

Their story does not end well.

But then again…

When does it ever?

**I. **

**Playlist #1. Fatal Attraction. **

**Sweet Disposition – Temper Trap**

**Nine In The Afternoon – Panic! At the Disco. **

**Holocene – Bon Iver. **

**Just Haven't Met You Yet – Michael Buble. **

**Should I Stay Or Should I Go? – The Clash. **

**Oh My God – Ida Maria. **

Eli Goldsworthy sat in the love seat at the clinic. He sighs as he waited patiently, playing on his phone the numerous worthless apps. The guy next to him was halfway asleep and starting to lean on him and Eli wasn't going to have it. He scooted over to the right. The man went with him.

Luckily the good doctor called his name and he got up thankfully and the guy snapped his eyes open, wiping off the drool. He looked around him almost surprised that he was in the clinic and then went back to sleep. Eli shook his head as he went with the doctor towards the back.

"How are you feeling Eli?" She asked and he shrugged.

"I'm alright." He said and then sat on the couch she had in her tiny office.

"Pills working?" She says sitting on her swivel chair. He shrugs. "Yeah, I guess." He coughs a bit. It's like there's an elephant in the room.

"Good…. What's new?" She says after a moment. Eli shakes his head and laughs with no humor. Typical newbie, he thinks. She thinks she gets pawn the answers to him like its nothing. That's not how it works, he wants to tell her, but he doesn't say anything.

"Nothing really," He says.

For half an hour they go back and forth.

When the meeting ends, she prescribes a refill to pick up and he nods as he heads out the door. He is looking back when he runs into someone. He almost falls back and the girl slams into the wall.

"Shit." Eli says as he walks over to her and picks her up by the arm, "Are you okay?" He says getting eye level with her and a pair of blue eyes looks back at him. She nods her head and says, "Yeah, its okay." She laughs embarrassed.

"Good," Eli mumbles as he nods to her, walking out the door. He doesn't look back as he heads out to the bus stop. As he walks out he notices the bus is leaving.

"Fuck!" He yells as he tries to run after it but he misses it.

"Damnit." He says as he sits down on the bench. From the bench you can see the hospital and he shakes his head because he missed the fucking bus.

"I can't believe it." He says mumbling to himself taking his phone out of his pocket breaking out the games.

He doesn't know how long he's been playing but someone sits next to him and after a moment says, "One million? Wow." He looks over to his left and he smirks.

"I have a strange feeling I'm being followed." He says as he closes his phone putting it in his pocket.

The girl with the blue eyes shrugs and then says, "Or its fate." She says and Eli smirks and snorts.

"I doubt you're going where I'm going." He says and she shrugs.

"I missed the bus," Eli says.

"My appointment was quick." The girl says and shrugs and then says after a beat, "I'm Clare, by the way," And Eli nods to himself.

"That's a nice name." Eli says looking at the hospital.

"Are you not going to tell me yours?" She says laughing.

"Shh, I'm still deciding." He says and then shakes his head and says, "Eli Goldsworthy."

They shake on it and its quiet for a second before Eli says, "The bus comes every thirty minutes."

"Lucky us."

**II. **

Fate;

[Feyt]

noun

Something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: _It is always his fate to be left behind. _

The universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: _Fate decreed that they would never meet again. _

That which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: _Death is our ineluctable fate._

A prophetic declaration of what must be: _The oracle pronounced their fate. _

**Death, destruction, or ruin. **

**III. **

**Playlist #2. Clare Edwards. **

**Moondance – Michael Buble. **

**All Night – Houses. **

**Take A Walk – Passion Pit. **

**Poison – Bright Eyes & Neva Dinova. **

**The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra. **

**Don't Be Deceived – Phillip LaRue.**

**Hide and Seek – Imogen Heap. **

**Talk – Coldplay. **

**Hummingbird – Imaginary Cities. **

"You weren't kidding," She says and laughs for a second as she looks around her.

"I live in the ghetto." Eli says turning on the light and it turning back off.

"Hold on." He says going into the back and turning on his light which also turns back off.

"Damnit," He whispers to himself. He gets back up and walks towards his kitchen and getting the bill and looking at it. The day to pay the bill was two days ago.

"Funny thing," He says as he holds up the bill, "I forgot to pay the bill." He laughs it off for a second and then embarrassment hits him. Clare looks at him and smiles and shrugs.

She doesn't care.

"You have a cell phone right?" She says and Eli pulls it out. She takes it from him and calls a number.

"I need a pepperoni pizza please at…" She turns to Eli and he gives her the address.

"Thank you," She says as she hangs up and hands him his cell phone. "They'll be here in thirty minutes," She says as she sits down on his couch. It's a dirty couch, even though he's the only one that sits on it.

"Wow," Eli says sitting down next to her.

"What?" She giggles and he shakes his head. "That's new." He says mostly to himself.

"You made this shitty situation into something better." He says and just shakes his head as he thinks about it some more.

"So," Eli says looking at the palm of his hand.

"Why did you decide to come home with a complete stranger?" He looks over at Clare and she's still smiling softly and then says, "I figured a guy who is getting a check up wasn't a serial killer. You're obviously getting help. Why not?" She says.

Eli Goldsworthy is dumbfounded for the first time in his life. Ever since Julia he would have never though that the surprising bubbly feeling would ever come back.

Why not? He asked himself. As a smile slowly creeped up his face. He didn't know how to really react to it, and that scared him because Eli Goldsworthy always had an answer to things like this. He thought he had love all figured out.

He knew he wasn't in love with the stranger, but then again, Julia was always a stranger to Eli. She was someone you'd never figure out. It occurred to Eli that his best friend was someone he never really met. He wondered why Julia was like a stranger to him, but he trusted her with everything.

That's the problem with loving people too much. You expect nothing in return and you're pleased with it, surprisingly.

"Twenty questions," He says facing her this time.

"Favorite band?"

"Katy Perry…. Just kidding. I like songs. Not so much bands. There are too many bands to pick from. I've only heard half a song by Katy Perry and I couldn't stand it," Clare shakes her head and shudders.

"You?" She asks.

"Bright Eyes." Eli answers quickly.

"Favorite color?"

"Green."

"Black."

"Favorite song currently, then?"

"All Night, Houses." She says and then smiles at him.

Eli gets up and goes to his room and gets something and brings it out to her.

"You have the signed album?" She says looking at the album with all the signatures her eyes big and bright now with admiration.

"They're good." He laughs and then says, "My dad is pretty popular in the music department. He got them to sign it when they sang their single on the radio." He laughs to shake it off.

She holds it to her chest and then asks him, "Your favorite song?"

"No Lies, Just love, Bright Eyes." He says again quickly.

"Dog or cat? Pick quick." He says in a rush.

"Dog." Clare says. "You?"

"Neither." He says rolling his eyes smirking.

"How many bands have you met?" Clare asks him and Eli looks puzzled for a second as he leans back.

"That would be telling," He says and then answers, "The most recent is DeadHand though."

"How about you?" He asks her and she looks down embarrassed.

"None,"

"Shame." He says and the doorbell rings. Eli gets up and gets it, paying the guy and giving him an extra tip.

After they eat Clare looks around his tiny apartment. She ends up in his room looking at his music selection.

"Wow. You have so much music," She says, taking albums out and sees slips of paper written in them.

He names playlist. The one Clare is holding is called, "Nightmares." She looks through the playlist and all the songs:

**Cold – Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz. **

**Heavy In Your Arms – Florence and the Machine. **

Clare smiles at Florence. He would listen to her? Then again, Clare doesn't know who this Eli guy is. She keeps looking at the playlist.

**Set the Fire to the Third Bar – Snow Patrol.**

**Breathe Me – Sia.**

**Junebug – Robert Francis. **

**Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven. **

"You know they say you can tell a lot about a person through their music interest." Eli says with a beer in his hand. He hands her one and she takes it.

"I was just looking," She says putting the playlist in the CD holder down.

"This is a ton of music." She looks around at the numerous shelves full of mixed CD's and mixtapes.

Mixtapes?

She points to the boxes full of the mixtapes taking one out and he nods.

"I stole some from my dad." He shrugs and then drinks a sip of beer.

"Those are pretty decent shape. I mean for having been in the attic forever." He shakes his head.

"That's incredible."

Eli sets his beer down as he takes a tape out and holds it out to her.

"My dad met Kurt Cobain a year before he died. And you know what Kurt gave him? This mixtape. It's all of Kurt's single tracts without his band and him just singing covers. It's pretty fucking incredible." Eli says shaking his head.

"It took my dad years to give it to me…. But he finally did." Eli looks down at it admiring it and then putting it back.

"What made him give it to you?" Clare asks looking at it as he puts it back in its place.

Eli doesn't say anything. But he closes his eyes because sometimes the only way to get things is through tragedy.

"Uh, well, that is a long story. And if you want to hear it, you're going to have to get me really drunk or you're going to have to give me a lot of time to tell you." He says after a chuckle but reaches to his beer and takes a long sip of it.

"I don't fancy drunk people," Clare says going back to the mixtapes. She looks at each one of them with preciseness and asks Eli questions to different ones. But then they've moved on to CD's, which could take them weeks to cover because each mixtape, each mixed, CD have a story of its own. Just like the writer of the song. It all has a story.

They're just beginning theirs.

**IV. **

Its two weeks after his appointment and he's late to meet her at the park.

"Hey, sorry, my car decided to crap on me," He says with a coffee in his hand.

"It's okay," She says messing with his hair.

"I guess you forgot to comb your hair, too?" She smiles softly at him and he nods looking at her in the eyes.

"I stayed up all night making this for you." He hands her a big yellow envelope that has her name written on it.

"Don't look at it until after I've left," He warns her and she smiles and nods putting it in her bag.

"I promise," She says and he is still panting a little from running.

"Oh shit," He says as he notices the stain on his shirt.

"Hey, you can blend in with your apartment now!" Clare jabs at him and he rolls his eyes.

After a moment Clare says, "I love this park," She says looking at the landscape and all of the kids playing in it with the parents sitting down on blankets with lunch and books in hand. Girls discussing boys underneath a shaded tree, and boys playing ball on the other side, mothers discussing husbands, and the husbands discussing their wives, the babies screaming for attention, the dog barking at other dogs and then there's the two sitting on the bench watching as the chaos unfolds around them.

"Its loud," Eli agrees and then says, "Stories take place here." Sometimes when Eli gets writers block he'll come out here and just listen to people, or he'll bring his ipod and just stick the earbuds in and watch people with his music playing in the background. But he's never watched people with someone else.

"I wonder if anyone's died here." Clare says after a moment.

"My dad used to take me here." She says sighing and then adds, "Then stuff happened to my sister and we stopped coming."

Eli nodded and listened. That's what he did best was just listen.

He remembers back to a time where Julia and Eli just started dating and CeCe gave Eli some of the best advice you could ever hear, "Now Eli, what you need to realize is, all girls are mysterious. But if you just listen to them, they'll tell you everything,"

Eli took that piece of advice and applied it to everything. If you just listen sometimes you can get a whole lot from silence.

"What happened to your sister?" he prodded her for answers.

"She was raped." Clare says after a beat and then smiles sadly. "But she's gone now. Still in Africa. Still running away."

Eli took a moment to concentrate on the piece of news he was given and then added, "At least she's alive after that, you know? It takes a lot of courage to live after something like that."

That had struck Clare pretty hard and she answered, "It takes a lot of courage to watch, too."

"I have to head to class." Eli says after a moment. He stands up and she stands up with him. He kisses her cheek and then he starts walking to his car.

Clare takes out the envelope and looks at the music:

**Playlist #3. Before. **

**Easy/ Lucky/ Free – Bright Eyes. **

**Congratulations – Blue October Ft. Imogen Heap. **

**Firework – Katy Perry. **_(I don't believe you. You have listened more than half of a Katy Perry song. I know, surprising I have a song from Katy Perry. This is for my amusement. ;) Enjoy, Edwards. – Eli.) _Clare shakes her head but continues reading down the list.

**I Caught Myself – Paramore. **Clare looks at it and then shakes his head. He has a music store in his room, basically. He's listened to it all.

**Before the Worst – The Script. **

**Eyes on Fire – Blue Foundation. **

**Complete Control – The Clash. **

**One Of My Kind – Conor Oberst. **

**I'm Waiting – All American Rejects**

Clare gets her phone out and calls him and says, "I love it. And you're right? I liked it." She says as she hangs up the phone smiling to herself and holding the CD to her chest to keep it safe.

**V.**

**Playlist #4. King For A Day. **

**King For A Day – Pierce the Veil. **

**Mad World – Michael Andrews & Gary Jules. **

**All Around Me – David Crowder Band. **

**New Ceremony – Dry The River.**

**Skinny Love – Bon Iver. **

**Waiting For The End – Linkin Park. **

**Rosyln – Bon Iver & St. Vincent. **

**Sleepyhead – Passion Pit. **

Clare sits on the stool while watching Adam, the boy she just met, and Fiona, another girl she just met, and Eli play wii at Fiona's condo.

A door opens and a girl walks in. She's in pigtails.

"Imogen!" Eli yells swinging the wii remote and then swears.

"Damnit, Adam." He says and then calls to Imogen, "Beer in the fridge." He says as something explodes on the screen.

"You're terrible at this game," Fiona laughs as she heads to the Imogen taking her in her arms hugging her. Clare looks away and at Eli who is very focused.

"YES! I WON! I WON!" Adam jumps up and down.

"WHAT NOW!" Adam yells at Eli who is glaring at him.

"I beat your ass!" Adam says and Eli just smirks and shakes his head.

"Play again?" Eli says and Adam smirks back at him and nods.

"You're on."

Eli looks at Clare for a second and she smiles at Eli.

They begin to play and Fiona hands Clare a beer.

"I'm not allowed to drink beer, but you should. Its celebrating day." She takes the beer and holds it up taking a sip of it. Clare has decided that this is the most beer she's drunk in her entire life. She always has a beer when she's with Eli and his friends. Though she's never been drunk just slightly tipsy.

"So." Imogen says eating a chip.

"Has he asked you out yet?" Imogen's eyes brighten up and Clare blushes looking down and laughing embarrassed.

"No…. its not…"

"Don't say it's "not like that."" Fiona says her arm around Imogen and Clare looks at Eli for a second and then turns back to Clare.

"Okay, pop quiz." Imogen sits on the counter.

"Has he made you a CD?" Imogen asks and Clare nods.

"Has he taken you to the park on east wood?" Fiona asks and she nods.

"Has he taken you to his apartment and shown you his music collection?" Imogen asks very loudly and looks over to the boys who are too focused to care.

Clare nods.

"Damn." Imogen says.

"He likes you." Fiona nods.

"Does he do that to all the girls he's dated?" Clare asks in a hushed tone.

Fiona and Imogen laugh.

"He's only dated one person." Imogen says and shrugs looking down. Fiona looks away from Clare and Clare looks at both of them.

"One of you?" Clare looks down this time, afraid of the answer.

"No," Imogen smiles sweetly at Clare.

"It's honestly nothing to worry about," Fiona interrupts.

"She's… long gone." She laughs nervously.

Imogen nods. "How long have you guys been hanging out?"

Clare answers, "Almost a month." She smiles to the girls taking another sip of beer.

Clare wants to know about the girl that Eli dated. They talk about everything else besides their past relationships. Clare doesn't really have one. She just dated people but they never made a lasting impression. Though Eli was different. He was like a new brand of medicine. The one that gives you headaches and drives you insane withdrawals, but refills you once you've taken it again. It's incredible how a guy could have that much power over you. She always made fun of people and their "lovers" but only because she never experienced it.

"Just give him time, okay?" Fiona says.

"He's had a rough life," She adds and smiles at Clare. "I've been his best friend since Highschool. We've both seen things we shouldn't have." Fiona adds and heads to her fridge taking out a redbull and putting pomegranate Torani syrup in it, mixing it around a bit and then drinking it. Clare knew it was a replacement of alcohol.

After the second game, which Eli did lose, they decide to play a game of Monopoly which also, Eli was the first to go bankrupt. He watched giving Clare suggestions, telling what to buy. She jabbed him a few times but went along with his suggestions.

"Its one a.m." Adam says yawning and then adds, "Fi, can I sleep here tonight? I'm too drunk to go home." He laughs and Fiona nods.

"I like not drinking. I get to make fun of all you drunk people." She says and starts putting the game away.

"How about you two?" She points to Clare and Eli and Eli shakes his head.

"I had three beers. I'm good." He takes his keys out of his pocket and reaches for Clare's hand as they start heading to the door.

"See you later," He calls out and they head to his car.

"Did you have fun?" He asks Clare and she nods to him.

"I like them," She says looking down. "You're very lucky to have them." She smiles.

"Yeah, I am. I have better than what I deserve." He laughs mostly to himself and starts the car.

He drives her home in silence. They don't talk but they don't have to. The music that he made for Clare does it for them. She sings along to the songs she likes and he belts out a few lyrics and Clare laughs at him.

He's not that bad of a singer. But that's what they always go back to is the music. The way it helps the mood and just brings a smile to his face to hear her singing the songs he picked out for her. He thought about each tract.

He doesn't know why but he feels something break and repair itself all at the same time inside of him. It terrifies him and brings him some kind of hope. He wonders if it'll do that everytime he's with her because he's picked out all of her habits, and all the things he likes about her. He isn't sure if that's what love is.

The last time he fell in love, he walked in blind and came out broken beyond repair. He's willing to do it all over again if that's what this is. But apart of him doesn't know if he'd last it a second time because the first time hurt too much he thought he was going to die. But now apart of him is coming alive.

He parks and then he laughs.

"Why didn't you tell me we were going the wrong way?" He turns to Clare. She didn't even notice.

"Oh. Wow." She laughs too. They're back at his apartment.

"Sorry, I was distracted." Eli says muttering off.

"Same." Clare responds quickly her heart speeding up.

Eli gets out and she does too.

They walk side by side to his apartment upstairs. No one is up besides the druggies that live next to him. Though he's not afraid of them.

He grabs his keys and tries to open the door, but it won't open.

"Damn," He whispers trying another key. It doesn't work.

"Let me try," Clare takes the keys slowly from him, when she turns he's right there. They're inches apart and Eli's eyes are slowly closing. Clare leans in and their lips touch. It's brief before she goes in for another kiss, this time she feels it.

It's almost like a bomb drops in the pit of her stomach because Eli slowly pulls her closer to him wrapping his arms around her, drinking her in entirety.

**VI. **

**Playlist #5. From Now On. **

**First Day of My Life – Bright Eyes. **

**Show Me What I'm Looking For – Carolina Liar. **

**Fix You – Coldplay. **

**Delicate – Damien Rice. **

**Iris – Goo Goo Dolls. **

**Reason – Hoobastank.**

**All Night – Houses.**

**Help I'm Alive – Metric. **

**White Blank Page – Mumford & Sons. **

**Turning Page – Sleeping At Last. **

Eli is laying in bed one night, the moon peeking through the window and he watches the moon, daring it to make a move because he couldn't be happier.

The thing with him is this: he's a cynic. He keeps on looking for the bad in Clare because the bad parts are the things he falls in love with. But wonder if there are no bad parts of Clare? Wonder if all her "bad" parts are tolerable? What's left to fall in love with? That's the part that scares Eli. He doesn't know how he fell in love but he wants to do it again and this time not let her go. He gets up out of bed and puts his playlist in the old CD player he still has and the track starts playing. He turns the music down a bit so he could think for a second.

And in that moment he's a boy again: There is a happiness there, the tint of rebellion, the feeling of feeling infinite, the feeling that no one can stop him, the feeling that you ARE possible, that you are worth it to someone, that they stuck around for you.

"Is that okay, Julia?" He whispers out to the moon. A cool breeze rushes in and he's cold but he smiles and nods.

He'll never forget your first love. There is no fucking way that you can forget your first love. Because they are your one and only sometimes, they were the reason you got up out of bed every morning, they were the thing that made you smile after the shit day, they were the only exception for any crap they pulled. He doesn't know why that is, but he is willing to feel it again.

Eli gets up and heads to his old computer, putting a blank CD in, hits itunes and opens a new folder.

A new playlist: Ships In The Night.

**Ships In The Night – Mat Kearney. **

**All Night – Houses. **

He burns the CD and puts it in an envelope and labels Clare on it. Its only two songs, but he doesn't care.

He goes back to his bed and stares at the moon. Music was the only constant thing after Julia died. It was the thing that he got up out of bed every morning for. It was odd, to rely on music so much. It was his crutch basically. He went to his music for everything.

Julia loved Bright Eyes, she introduced them to Eli, and Eli introduced the power of The Shins to her. They bonded over music. That was their language. The only way the could tolerate each other because they were too much alike. But after a song, they'd always find their way back to each other.

It was like if one of them hurt, they'd play that one song they could agree on and then something would happen and they felt the pain, they understood, they kissed each others wounds, because they got those wounds for each other, the only way it would heal is from the other healing it with their own hands. That's how they worked. But then after she died she took Eli with her, and kept him in the coffin. It was like that Florence and the Machine song, "My Boy Builds Coffins." Julia teased him with that song all the time until it wasn't funny anymore, until he did have to pick out her coffin because her mother just didn't give a shit.

After the funeral, Bullfrog took Eli to the attic and he sat in the corner surrounded by his dad's old CD's and mixtapes and old records. It was he was a ghost, just barely seeable, but disappearing so quickly.

"I want to give you something," His dad said to him, he held the mixtape labeled, Kurt Cobain.

His father handed it to Eli and Eli took it holding it firmly in his hand. It didn't occur to him that he was crying until the drops were landing on the mixtape. He rubbed his eye with his sleeve and then looked up at his dad.

"W… why?" He asked, stuttering a bit looking at the mixtape.

"Because you lost your first love. I'm giving you your second love back," Bullfrog said, mentioning to the music.

It always came back to the music. Always. Shit day? Turn on Move Along by The All American Rejects. Having a day where you just hate yourself? Hate Me, Blue October. Need a good weird vibe to get you through the dragging hours at work? Sleepyhead, Passion Pit. Eli had a song for everything. He was a song himself. The notes never fully formed, the melody offbeat and scratchy. He's not complete yet, there's always room for improvement.

He takes the mixtape never questioning and he brings it back downstairs with him to his room. He puts the tape in and listens to Kurt Cobain's scratchy voice. He nods to himself. He likes this. He doesn't mind this love. The love of music is powerful. It takes you places. You become someone different with each song.

**VII. **

**Playlist #6. The Firsts. **

**All Night – Houses. **

**Mr. Brightside – The Killers. **

**Endtapes - The Joy Formidable. **

**Beekeepers Daughter – The All American Rejects. **

**Until We Bleed – Andreas Kleerup Ft. Lykke Li. **

**I Belong To You – Muse. **

**The Violet Hour – Sea Wolf. **

**Don't Panic – Coldplay. **

**Creep – Radiohead. **

**Toothpaste Kisses – The Maccabees.**

**Sunday Morning – Maroon 5. **

They're making out to the song All Night by Houses. Clare's favorite song. Its heated and they've already fallen off the couch crashing to the floor. Eli laughs at Clare who is still new to this. She's afraid she'll break Eli it seems like everytime she tries to touch him elsewhere.

"Is it on repeat?" She asks against his lips and he nods and moans into her mouth.

"Less talking, more kissing," He says pulling her face back to his and she laughs into the kiss. He moves to where she's on top and he looks at her blue eyes and studies her face for a second.

He really likes her and it's scary.

"Hey," she says, bringing his face back to hers, "No staring, more kissing," she says using his words against him.

"God I love this album," Eli says as the song repeats the again.

"Album or song?" Clare says coming up to breathe.

"Nice hair," Eli smirks and Clare eyes him and says, "Yeah I could say the same about yours," She laughs kisses him once more and then gets up from off of him and goes to his CD's while fixing her shirt.

"You're the only person I know who still likes listening to CD's." She laughs, switching the song and a new track plays.

"Wasn't this at the end of the Donnie Darko?" She asks and Eli nods getting up and goes to his bedroom and hands her the CD.

"You can borrow the soundtrack if you want. Download it or whatnot." He shrugs. It's still hard for him to give stuff away, but he's trying and a part of him trusts Clare.

"Thank… thank you Eli." She says putting it in her purse.

"Let's go," Eli says grabbing his keys. She takes her purse and they head out, hand holding and walking down the stairs.

Once they get in the car the first thing Clare does is turn up the volume and notices the song.

"Sunday Morning, Maroon 5. I didn't think you'd like a band like this." She comments looking at him now, smirking.

"I don't. Although Sunday Morning is an exception. Who doesn't like Sunday Morning? It's a classic!" He scoffs turning the volume all the way up.

"Sunday morning rain is fallin'!" Eli belts and Clare laughs at him hitting his shoulder.

It's this moment where you can just be with someone that hits Clare. She was already in love with this mystery next to her and she didn't even know how it was possible but it happens. But it amazed her how you can barely know someone yet love almost everything about them. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that he actually cared and had some substance other than wanting to get in her pants. Though she doesn't think about that, she thinks about the way he loses himself to a song. All the songs. Whether they're crap or not. He just loves to love. It's so human of him that it catches Clare off guard. He's human. He loves. She loves. They both love. They both be. Just be. She never thought she'd have this moment but here she is having one. Smiling at Eli and just thinking that her life is perfect right now. She will replay this moment later tonight when she thinks about this day. This is one of her favorite days in history, its one of those days that outweighs the bad. You can't have too many bad days, she thinks, but its not a bad thing to a have a few, it makes you appreciate days like these.

Where you can just be.

They get to the restaurant and Fiona, Adam, Imogen are already there.

"Finally!" Adam says, "I'm starving." The waiter takes Adam's order first.

"I have no idea what I'm getting yet!" Clare opens the menu and just orders whatever is right there and looks good.

"Same," Eli says taking a drink of water.

"What took you guys so long?" Fiona says looking at them and Eli's mouth goes dry.

"We got distracted. Looking at CD's and stuff," Clare says for him.

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" Adam looks suspiciously at Clare and Eli and smiles a knowing devious smile shaking his head.

Fiona rolls her eyes as she drinks some of her tea.

Clare blushes and Fiona just winks at her and mouths, "I knew it." Clare looks down at her napkin on her lap and just slightly shakes her head.

"What are our plans after?" Imogen pipes up and Eli looks confused.

"We're doing something after?" He looks around the table and Fiona shrugs. "Why not? It's not like you have any other friends besides us."

"Ouch," Eli says putting a hand on his heart, "You're hitting me where I live," He teases and then takes another drink and waves the waiter over to their table.

"Beer please," He says showing him his ID and the waiter nods heading to the back.

"Did you want one?" He asks Clare and she shakes her head.

Eli nods as the waiter comes back with his beer.

"You want to buy me one?" Adam says and Eli shakes his head. "Why would I want to do that?"

Adam shakes his head. "It's already begun," Rolling his eyes and from underneath the table Fiona kicks him.

"Oww!" Adam says looking at Fiona and she glares at him.

"Why is everyone so weird, lately?" Eli looks at everyone.

Fiona just shrugs with a small smile on her face.

"We're just happy for you." Looking at Clare for a brief second and then back at Eli.

Eli looks at Clare and then back at Fiona, and then shakes his head as he takes a drink of beer.

"Eli," Clare puts a hand on his knee.

"Listen." She says and then he hears it.

"All Night," Eli smiles big at her.

"Houses." Clare nods to him with a huge smile on her face.

"What?" Imogen asks her enthusiasm skyrocketing.

"All Night, Houses. Clare's favorite song." Eli shrugs.

"Are you a music junkie, too?" Fiona asks Clare and she shakes her head.

"She likes songs. Not bands." Eli speaks for her and Clare just smiles softly and nods.

"There are too many bands to pick from." Clare shrugs still shocked that Eli remembered. It seemed like such a long time ago since they met each other.

"How's your job, Eli?" Imogen asks and Eli rolls his eyes.

"Slow."

"Where do you work?"

Eli sighs and then says, "I'm a freelance writer. It doesn't pay well, but it's alright." Eli shrugs.

"What do you do, Clare?" Fiona asks. Eli doesn't know where she works.

"I work at the clinic. Volunteer. But they pay me because they pity me, I think." She shrugs too.

"Pity?" Eli asks and she nods.

"My dad used to work at the clinic before he died two years ago."

Eli nods to himself. That explains why she was so weird at the park. Even if it was just because her sister, it was still a place her father took her. Tragedy has a way of bringing people together.

"I'm sorry." Eli wraps an arm around her.

"Its fine." She says to him.

"It was his time to go." She adds.

Death was no stranger to her. She didn't mind death. Maybe that made her weird, but she knew you couldn't escape death and she supposed that it was for a purpose. All things happen for a reason. That's what she grew up on. Even though her mom was already remarried she never understood how her mom could just forget like her dad ever happened. Although before he died they had split and left Clare in a whirlwind of old feelings. Clare didn't get it. For a while she was angry, really, really angry; it was like no one got her. No one understood Clare it felt like. What she was going through.

But then it hit her pretty hard as she watched from the top of her stairs as her mom and her new step dad danced to a song that wasn't playing in the background. She watched the way her mom looked at Glen. She looked at her step dad look at her mom. It was so weird, but things came into place. All it took was a small moment. Its funny how you can tell by the way you look at someone that you love them. But that's what happened to Clare as she experienced it. It wasn't that her mom completely forgot her dad. Helen even said right after their split that she loved her father still. It didn't make any sense to Clare. How could you love someone and leave them? It's funny, because her dad said the same thing when she came over to her dad's house. She asked him about it and he just looked at Clare for a moment.

"I still love your mom." He said and Clare just shook her head totally confused.

"She still loves me." He smiled at his daughter.

"But just because we still love each other doesn't mean we can be together. It doesn't work out like that."

"Then how does it work out, dad?" She snapped.

"I fell in love." He said.

And Clare didn't get that. She didn't get that he fell in love. It hurt her because her mom did the same to Glen. But at the top of the stairs she finally understood it.

Love isn't supposed to make sense. You fall in love, you fall out of love, you marry, you divorce, you make up, you don't, you do, you love, you remarry, and you repeat the process. Your heart never fully heals after all of that, but that's why it's so special. Because your heart is capable of loving so much. A lot more than you know. Clare loved her parents and if they were happy she figured that's all that mattered.

So after her dad died from a heart attack her mother kept her word and still loved him, "Till death do us part."

**VIII. **

**Playlist #7. Delicate. **

**Delicate – Damien Rice. **

**Atlas Hands – Benjamin Francis Leftwich. **

**Little Girl – Robert Francis. **

**Mockingbird – Rob Thomas.**

**The Scientist – Coldplay. **

**Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons. **

**Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park. **

**My Love – Sia. **

**Pretty Things – Oceanship.**

**Move Along – All American Rejects. **

**Dance Inside – All American Rejects. **

It was a night where Eli felt like he was starting to forget. He grabbed his keys off the table and started to walk to his car downstairs. He was alone and it was cold. He forgot to bring a jacket and he didn't care.

As he got in his car he put the playlist in for moments like this. The playlist included Move Along album by the All American Rejects. He listened to this album when things got bad. It was one of the constant albums he had and kept. Julia had given him this album one day when they were at school and their friendship was just starting. They bonded over music and it was beautiful. They always made each other CD's and she gave him AAR's album.

"Tyson Ritter is dead sexy, but his lyrics are fucking incredible." She said handing him the CD.

"What's your favorite song?" He asked her and she shrugged.

"I have a few. I just love the whole album…. But Move Along. Even though everyone on the radio whores the fuck out of that song. Its pretty amazing." She shrugs and looks down and Eli notices.

"What's the story behind it?" He asks and she smiles up at him.

"So my grandma was dying in the hospital and I was with my cousins and it was pretty sad. Because my grandma lived with me and she treated me like I was special. And so my mom was talking to my grandma and I had no idea what to do and so I looked up at the screen and they were playing a music video and I really liked the song and the song was Move Along. The chorus haunted me because it was just the song I needed to hear." She shrugged.

"I needed to hear it," Julia nodded.

"Second favorite song?" He asks.

"Easy. Dance Inside."

Eli looked at it and then read the lyrics. "Now I'm twisted up when I'm twisted with you."

"I'll be fine, you'll be fine, this moment seems so long. Don't waste now this pressure time; we'll dance inside the song." Julia smiles.

Eli reads:

"What makes the one to shake you down? Each touch belongs to each new sound. Say now you want to shake me too. Move down to me slip into you."

Julia smiles at Eli and then says, "That's my favorite part."

"I'll give it a listen and call you tonight with my final review." Eli smiles as he heads off to class….

As Eli drives to the park it's late and the music is still blaring. His body tonight is made out of memories, and they're slowly slipping through the empty cracks of his skeleton body.

He thinks of that day again and he did call her. He didn't say anything for a while because it was just the album he was looking for. The lyrics were always on point with his feelings he couldn't explain it any other way. AAR became their band that they listened to. Whenever Julia came over they would listen to Move Along album.

"Time Stands Still is another good song. Though its not from Move Along." Julia says and Eli nods.

But for now as he sits at the park lights off car off besides the radio still on he just sits in the dark thinking and closing his eyes. He presses a button and the CD changes.

Holocene by Bon Iver plays in the background and for a moment he listens as the soothing music plays taking him away to another moment like this.

Losing someone is hard enough, but when you lose your first love there is no going back it feels as if they took something from you and you'll never get it back again. Its painful to love something that death can touch, but somehow you better fucking cope with the pain because you'll be doomed. For Eli he shut himself off from the world. Went to Highschool went through all the emotions without giving a fuck. People treated him as something delicate when in fact he was much more than delicate. He was more than that and he hated being like that. Because if you touched him he would split and he would hurt you too. Eli was likeable in that way. People wanted to be his friend because he didn't give a fuck about things, he had substance and people liked that. Though there was a selected few that Eli let in. For a while, Adam, Fiona, and Imogen felt like they were cool because Eli talked to them. It was almost like a privilege to be his friend. That's what it felt like at the time. And Eli hung on that.

Holocene comes to and end and Eli switches the CD.

Letters From The Sky plays and Eli turns down the volume for a second as he thinks…

**IX. **

**Playlist #8. Something to Believe In. **

**Lover I Don't Have To Love – Bright Eyes. **

**The Calendar Hung Itself – Bright Eyes. **

**Today We Give Ourselves To The Fire – Cloud Cult. **

**Hannah – Freelance Whales. **

**Lucy – Hanne Hukkelberg. **

**All Night – Houses. **

**Flightless Bird, American Mouth – Iron and Wine. **

**Work – Jars Of Clay. **

**The Middle – Jimmy Eat World. **

**Better Than Nothing – Sarah Jaffe. **

**New Slang – The Shins. **

"I can't believe you like the Shins," Bullfrog says laughing a good hearty laugh.

"Always liked the Shins," Eli snorts.

"Well, that's good. I'm glad you have an opinion on music."

CeCe and Clare are cooking in the kitchen and Eli and Bullfrog are out in the garage moving some things around.

"I'm glad you came," His dad says after a moment.

"Thought we weren't going to see you again." His dad adds and Eli just nods looking away. He hates confrontations. They're honestly the worst.

"I like Clare." His dad approves of her and Eli feels like a weight had been lifted.

"Mom loves everyone." Eli says and laughs because he knows that's where he gets his love from, CeCe, and Bullfrog he gets his depth.

"Well here," Bullfrog gets something from a box and it's the live edition featuring Iron and Wine and the Shins.

"Dad," Eli shakes his head.

"Why are you doing this?" He asks his dad looking at him in the eye and his dad just stares at his son for a moment.

"Because I want to," He says in a stern voice and that's the voice that makes Eli shudder for a moment. He's only heard that voice twice. Once when he got in a lot of trouble and the second time when Julia died.

"Okay," Eli says nodding his head taking it in his hands.

"You need to not be such a cynic. Especially your father." Bullfrog laughs and then says, "Learn to just… accept."

Eli rolls his eyes playfully and pats Bullfrog's arm and then they both get up and head inside.

"Food done?" Eli asks when they make it into the kitchen and CeCe says, "Almost." She smiles and then turns to Eli, "How long have you been dating?"

"Two months." Clare smiles at Eli and Eli looks away shyly.

Later that night after they leave Eli takes her to the park on east side. They don't talk but they listen to the music. Sometimes they music speaks for them.

"Your parents love you," Clare says.

"Yeah, they do." Eli laughs a little but there is something much deeper than that.

"Why don't you visit them?" Clare asks and then he stops where he usually does at the park, turning the volume all the way up and rolls down his windows and hers.

"Come on," He says to Clare and she gets out. From the back he gets a blanket and a cooler.

"What are we doing?" Clare says and he smiles at her.

"Just trust me," He whispers and he bends down to her slowly giving her a kiss and takes her hand over to the hill.

They can still hear the music.

"Won't we get in trouble?" She yells because he starts bolting down the hill.

"Probably!" He yells back and laughs. Clare smiles and runs after him and she pins him to the ground.

"Good." She says giving him a peck and then stands up.

Eli sets the blanket and the small cooler on the ground and then he takes his shirt off and then his pants leaving his boxers on as he heads to the water.

"What are you doing?" Clare says laughing.

"What does it look like?" Eli says as he jumps in all wet.

"I'm not telling you anything unless you get in the water." He says and Clare doesn't know what to do.

"I don't have a bathing suit." She says to him.

Eli shakes his head.

"Neither do I, obviously," Eli scoffs.

"Fine." Clare says stalking over to the water.

"Are you getting in?" Eli says.

"I don't know."

Eli jumps up to her and pulls her in.

"ELI!" She screams.

Eli is laughing. "Oh come on." He says and she splashes him.

After a moment Clare finally smiles a little.

Eli holds her and she wraps her arms around his neck, shivering a little.

"My ex girlfriend and I did this." He says after a moment.

They get out and Eli hands her the blanket and wraps it around her.

"Who is she?" Clare asks lightly.

Eli opens up a beer and gets a cigarette out.

"Fun fact: I smoke when I'm nervous." Eli says to Clare as he lights it.

"So, in eighth grade I met this girl named Julia. Gorgeous, right? Anyways. All the guys liked her and I gave in and started to like her too. But my charm won her over and we started dating. I fell in love in the eighth grade. It was honest to God love at first sight. I don't usually believe that crap but that's what happened to me. I'm now a believer in it." Eli said.

And then he thought of that quote, "It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well."

"I don't know what it was, but it pulled me like gravity and it scared me so much that I started to ignore her before I got the courage to actually ask her out. Then after our first date we agreed on being friends. Though music was our thing. She introduced me to numerous bands. All American Rejects, Bright Eyes, Bon Iver…." Eli drones off and Clare is carefully studying him.

"And It was so weird what happened. Our "hang outs" were like dates. It happened quietly, we just knew that we needed to be together. We didn't discuss our relationship we just were. It happened just like that. And…. And… and…" Eli is talking to fast his thoughts are getting a lot harder to process.

"… And it's just… crazy." He lost his words as he just smiles at Clare though it's a sad smile.

"You still love her," Clare says and she feels like her heart fell in her stomach.

"Yes," Eli says, smiling now.

"I think I always will." He says and Clare just nods.

"But," Eli says looking at Clare in the eyes, "April 22nd, 2009, she went to this very park, and," He shifted and pointed to a building. "You see that building?" He asks and Clare looks at the abandoned building and she nods.

"She jumped from that window and the next day they found her body in the lake."

It takes Clare's breath away and then she starts crying.

"That's terrible." She whispers and Eli just nods.

"I don't know why she did it." He says. And then speaks again, "We got into a fight that night. It was for some stupid reason. Julia was impulsive, exactly like me and…. I don't know. She just couldn't take it."

"So you know that Kurt Cobain mixtape?" Eli asks wiping his eyes because he felt a tear.

"Yes," Clare nods and Eli nods too. "My dad gave that to me after she died. He said, "You lost your first love so I'm giving you back your second love." And it was music." He smiles at Clare now.

"I love music. I'm not a music critic. It always bugged me that you'd have to be a music critic to like music. I love music. I'm not a music critic. I'm a freelance writer." Eli laughs. "But music was always there for me." He says.

"I want to be there for you," Clare whispers.

**X. **

**Playlist #9. Love and other drugs. **

**Talk – Coldplay. **

**Lua – Bright Eyes. **

**Take It Easy (Love Nothing) – Bright Eyes. **

**Calling You – Blue October. **

**To Roam – Robert Pattinson. **

**Never Think – Robert Pattinson. **

**I Miss You – Blink 182. **

**Say What You Will – Damhnait Doyle. **

**Come Back To Me – David Cook. **

**All Night – Houses. **

Eli met Helen and Glen. Eli talked to Darcy on the phone. Eli was apart of Clare's just like Clare was apart of Eli's. They happened. It doesn't have to be some epic thing that happens they just came to be. It's like a friendship, you just become friends. Its second nature.

That's how they were. They were second nature to each other. They were so used to each other nothing surprised them, each touch felt right, and the only surprises came through their back-story. And that wasn't bad. Everyone has a story. Eli just happened to be a series. A surprised plot twist in every book, each time the story got better and better.

"I think you need a new apartment." Clare says one day, making him a sandwich, noticing the stacks of CD's taking up every open space.

"Yeah… too bad I'm poor to buy a new apartment." He says taking the sandwich eating it.

"Can I have a bite?" Clare says and he nods giving it to her.

"Why didn't you make one?" Eli asks her and she shrugs.

"I'm not that hungry." She says taking a drink of his water and then sighs.

"I have to work a six hour shift today at the clinic." She doesn't want to go.

"Call in sick." Eli says, "Your boss works you too hard anyways." He says after a moment and then goes back to his sandwich.

"I have to write a article today," Eli says nodding to his laptop.

"I'm sure you'll be done with it quickly." She smiles at Eli and he shrugs. "Maybe." He sighs.

"I have to throw some things out," Eli says glumly.

"That will be hard for me," he says and Clare knows its true. He told her about his hoarding.

"You can do it. If you want to wait I can do it with you," Clare suggests and then smiles softly at him.

"I want to be here for you remember?" Clare says rolling her eyes at him and he laughs softly and looks down and nods his head.

"Yeah… I'm still getting used to that." He says taking another bite and then heads to the kitchen grabbing a zip lock bag putting the sandwich in it.

"I'm going to save it for later." He says putting it in the fridge. He gets up and Clare does too. He hugs her closely and inhales her sent which is mixed of him, Old Spice, and her strawberry shampoo.

"See you later," Clare says giving him a kiss and she exits out the door to her car.

"Bye." Eli says after she's left. He sighs as he heads to his laptop opening it up and he looks at the background picture. It's of Julia, Bullfrog and him at a festival for new bands in early 2009.

She's haunting him again.

He closes his computer and pushes it away from him.

"Not right now." He whispers as he heads to the back of his room and gets out a playlist. It's labeled the Clare. The first playlist he ever made for Clare but he has a million other playlist he's made for her and each one the songs get more intense to a point where they're almost warning her to stay away from him. There's a part of Clare that worries for Eli because she knows that in a moment he could shatter. He is a delicate person she has notices. She never thought of it that way until that night of the lake.

She was involved and – in love – with someone who was so completely broken and she was the strong one out of the two. It's never happened like that before. She was so weak to everyone in her family that now she was the strong one. She's never really been in a relationship like this. But she didn't care. She had nothing to compare it to. And she liked that she had nothing to compare it too. Because she loved Eli and though they didn't say it – yet – she just knew.

As Clare drives she puts in one of Eli's playlist in her car, and her car is full of all of his CD's that when Alli and Clare do hang out the mountain gets higher and higher.

On every single Playlist there is All Night by Houses.

Clare's favorite.

Clare smiles for a moment and then her thought is interrupted by a phone call. She answers it and its CeCe.

"Hey," She says warmly and on the other line CeCe is crying.

Oh God, Clare is worried now.

"Is something wrong?" She says and CeCe keeps on sniffling.

"It's Bullfrog." She says and Clare stops her car and pulls over so she can concentrate.

"Yes. What's wrong with him?" Clare says softly.

"Cancer." She says.

And it hits Clare pretty hard.

Eli discussed with Clare the way his father had been acting. When he first brought Clare over to his old house Bullfrog gave Eli the Iron and Wine and The Shins CD and he had no idea why he was giving away his most prized treasure and Clare didn't have an answer for him either. But now it all made sense: he was giving it away because he was dying.

"How long?" Clare asks and theirs a prickle feeling in her eye and before she knows it she's crying, too.

"Three months, they say shorter than that. But three months if he's lucky."

"Does Eli….?" Clare looks down at her palms and she knows that it's a no.

"We were going to tell you when he came home… but he introduced us to you… and we couldn't do that to him." CeCe says and Clare nods though she knows she can't see that.

"I understand." Clare says and then she wipes away the tears.

"When do you think you'll tell him?" She asks after a moment.

"Bullfrog is heading over to his apartment now." CeCe says, and then adds, "I just felt like you should know too. It's getting bad again."

For a good hour they talk on the phone making Clare late for work, but after she hangs up with CeCe she decides she isn't going to work today. She calls in sick and heads back to home to Eli.

Eli worried; carried his heart on his sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt and broken up too easily. He kept other people's secrets easily, but told his own too fast. He expected the world not to cheat him and was always surprised when it did.

Clare races towards the apartment and trips running upstairs and then opens the door to see a weepy Eli crumpled on the ground. She has never seen him like this. And it kills her to see him like this.

He croaks and Clare walks towards him and sits next to him.

When watching a movie, Clare always mocked and rolled her eyes at couples that leaned on each other for support. It just looked so fake. Until she herself experienced it. She had never been this close to someone before and everything was a first for her. But then she realized that when you love someone you want to be everything for them, you want to be enough for them and she got it. She finally understood it. So when she holds him she mentally slaps herself because now she got it. She loved Eli and she didn't care if he didn't love her back but for now, it doesn't matter because it's not about her. He holds onto her for dear life. That's what she loved about Eli: he wasn't afraid to hold on, even if it hurt him in the end, he doesn't care. He is willing to receive as much love as he can get.

"I'm sorry, Eli," Clare says as she holds him closer. He doesn't say anything but he does get up from the ground unloosening Clare's grip. She watches him as he gets something from the bedroom.

"He kept on giving me things." He sniffles and shows Clare the tapes.

"I knew something was up." He shakes his head.

"I love you." Clare says fast and Eli stands still for a second. That shuts him up.

In the background David Crowder's version of All Around Me plays in the background and Eli just looks at Clare, the stained tears making his face look angelic.

"Why?" Eli says looking down feeling somewhat embarrassed.

It takes Clare a moment to respond because in her mind it's bouncing around the many reason why she loves him. Because she just does. You don't pick who you fall in love with. You can't flip a switch. It just doesn't happen like that.

"Because I just experienced you in your most vulnerable moment." She whispers to him.

"Because you were the first boy to give me a chance. Because you fall in love with music easily. Because you care too much. Because you're smart. Because you're nice. Because you're special. Because your dad is dying." She stands up and walks closer to him.

"Tragedy brings people together or rips them apart. But I think ours brought us together. We both have dads who are irreparably broken." He holds her hands.

He smiles for a small second and then looks down at their hands, his black hair getting in his face as he looks back up.

"I love you, too."

And it was the forever kind of love. Once Eli falls in love with you he won't ever stop loving you. That boy has too much love to give and no one likes to receive it. Sometimes it drives him insane to get his heart broken over and over again, but he shakes it off, because after a while it doesn't faze him.

**XI. **

**Playlist #10. All Night. **

**All Night – Houses. **

**Mad World – Michael Andrews. **

**Lose You – Pete Yorn. **

**Waiting For The End – Linkin Park. **

**Blood – The Middle East. **

**Hotblack – Oceanship. **

**From Where You Are – Lifehouse. **

**The Sky Is Breaking Up Jim – Mark Boone. **

**In The Belly Of The Whale – Scott Orr.**

**Possibility – Lykke Li. **

Within a month Bullfrog's cancer got bad. It took a lot of convincing but he moved into Eli's apartment. CeCe slept with Bullfrog in Eli's room though they barely had enough sleep. They had to move a lot of the boxes of CD's out to the "living room".

Clare and Eli had slept out in the living room on a blow up mattress. They all lived together. Though Clare didn't officially live at his apartment, it was slowly turning into that, though. Clare still lived at home but she was there less and less the past year and a half. But they were like a family all living in a one-bedroom apartment.

Eli made Bullfrog a million CD's and they discussed and dissected the music after each listening. Sometimes Bullfrog would help Eli with his column when he was up to it, but other times Bullfrog would fall asleep on the couch and Eli would always have to wake him up to take him to his room.

Some days Clare took Eli out for a while just to get away from it all. They would make out in the back of the car and then talk about his dad. Because at the moment his dad was the most important thing to Eli.

Fiona, Imogen, and Adam, sometimes Alli would all get away and go to the beach for a while and get tipsy, and try to distract Eli from what was going on, but he never showed anyone his pain other than Clare. It was like she knew him from the back of her hand.

They're lying on the beach its nighttime and there's a bonfire, the other people were roasting marshmallows and Clare and Eli are lying on their backs away from them looking at the stars together. Eli always wanted a moment like this next to someone he loved and he finally got it.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"You're welcome." Clare whispers back.

They didn't need to talk about it because they already knew.

"My dad told me where all the constellations were at one point. But I forgot them all now." Eli laughs quietly.

"I don't care to know. I just like looking at them without questioning who they are." Clare said, sighing a tiny bit because she was getting tired.

"You don't judge." Eli agreed. Though that's not what Clare was saying, but she didn't care. She liked the idea that he knew her. Because he did. He was easily her best friend.

"You know what would make this night perfect?" Clare whispers and then she answers her own question, "All Night, Houses."

Eli laughs as he kisses her hair and gets his phone out and looks through his music list and presses on the song.

"There." He says laughing quietly.

"Night perfect," Clare says giggling silently.

"Why do you like it so much?" Eli asks her after a beat.

"I don't know. It's peaceful, and soft. I just like it. Its my song."

When they've said goodnight to their friends they drive back to the apartment and when they do they see the puke trailing all the way to the bathroom.

"Why didn't you call the hospital?" Eli says almost yelling and he can see that his mom had already broken. Her make is smeared all over her face and there's almost nothing left of his dad. He's just a skeleton now.

"He doesn't want to go." CeCe says.

"So you're just going to let him die?" Eli says and Clare grabs Eli's arm to pull him back.

"It's okay," Clare says and Eli can't take it anymore. He screams.

He hears one last puke and then he hears a thud.

Everyone runs to Bullfrog, CeCe feels for a pulse but there isn't one.

"He's gone." She says.

"I'll call the hospital," Clare says.

Eli bends down to where he's on his knees next to his father and he cleans him up with the towel that was thrown on the floor. He flushes the toilet and he picks him up and moves to the bed and lays him down there, and then he gets in the bed with him and tucks himself into his dad's arm and begins to cry.

CeCe stays on the floor until the ambulance comes.

That night Clare sleeps with Eli on the bed and CeCe goes home. Eli just sleeps and sleeps and doesn't move, doesn't ask for a thing. Clare reminisces on her last moments with her dad and thinks how tragedy happens in seconds. Watching someone you love die is hard, but it being your dad is different.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Clare whispers to Eli in his sleep kissing the top of his head.

"I won't ever leave you," She whispers again and she knows he can't hear it.

"I promise."

**XII. **

**Playlist #11. All Around Me.**

**All Night – Houses. **

**Kiss With A Fist – Florence And The Machine. **

**Kiss Me – Sixpence None The Richer. **

**Feel Good Inc. – Gorillaz. **

**Oh My God – Ida Maria. **

**Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley. **

**Down – Mat Kearney. **

**Asleep – The Smiths. **

**Undeniable – Mat Kearney. **

**White Blank Page – Mumford and Sons. **

**Turning Page – Sleeping At Last. **

**Something Beautiful – Needtobreathe. **

**Animal – Neon Trees. **

**Glitter In The Air – Pink. **

**Northern Downpour Sends It's Love – Panic! At The Disco. **

**Under Control – Parachute. **

**Little Pieces – Parlour Steps. **

They never broke up because they didn't need to. They were each other's backbone, the glue that held each other together. Sometimes the glue often didn't stick too well, but that's why they had so much more in the cabinets. They supported each other lie a team with no bitchy coach. If one fell down and got hurt, the other felt it. It was like they were one soul living in one body though made up of several parts.

Clare was a fluent language that Eli learned to speak. Whenever he went to work or whenever he found a job offer he always had Clare's voice in his mind, almost as if she was telling him what to say to not make himself look like an idiot.

He got jobs, he lost jobs, and while Clare had the same job she always had at the clinic. She was the sanity to insane. They completed each other and found each others missing pieces, though they fought, that's just how they were. No couple or friendship or really any relationship is ever perfect. If it were that would be boring but they weren't like that. They embraced their flaws and learned from them.

They found bands and loved and hated bands all at the same time. Sometimes they agreed and other times they didn't. They got in stupid fights over bands and music and life, but always found a way back to each other. That's just how it went. Clare officially moved into Eli's apartment and they slept together at first. Literally slept together. After almost two years of knowing each other she finally gave it up to him.

That was the first time they really realized that they loved each other. Because they knew they weren't just having sex with a body, but having sex with each other's soul. Something more powerful than just a body.

He memorized her scars and the shape and the dance of her tongue, he climbed the curve of her lower back, counted and marked the shape of her vertebrae, the shape and the feel of her ribs, the touch of her fingers, kissing each one, and felt the rise of her goose bumps, he charted her topography of her anatomy and became fluent with her body language, and she did the same to him.

They acted like a married couple and everyone though they were, but they weren't. Eli couldn't see himself getting married, but he knew he wanted to. He wasn't just a prick. He loved commitment. And he knew that he was going to be with Clare the rest of his life because he made that commitment a long time ago.

They walked down the park holding hands and laughed like they were in the movie. Everything was in slow motion with them. Because they couldn't get enough of each other. They inhaled each other because in some ways they did need each other. It was like if you lose one you lose all. That's how it was with them and they didn't know why that is.

But Eli was already planning on asking her to marry him. He knew she would say yes, they talked about it. But they were willing to take it slow. They were still so young but yet so in love.

They would take random trips at midnight rolling down the windows and turning up the volume, singing along to their favorites: Sunday Morning, All Night, and every All American Rejects song. It was just how it went and then they would get back home at the crack of dawn.

Eli never forgot about his father though. Neither did Clare. The three-year anniversary was coming up and Eli's first anniversary for his dad and he didn't know if he could handle it.

They saw their group of friends often and they all talked and got drunk but always sobered up to talk about life. Eli smoked less but that didn't mean he'd quit. And Clare talked to her mom more after Bullfrog died. Her mom didn't approve of Eli but Clare didn't care.

Clare read something online once and it stuck with her, "You were my goosebumps coming to life and the hair on the back of my neck rising to the occasion. You were the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest. You were my chapped lips and nervous stutter. You were everything that made me so terrified about love but so excited to seize it. You."

This is a story about falling in love. They weren't supposed to fall in love but they did. It came back to fate. It just happens. And it all started out by a simple bump in a clinic and a simple conversation on a bench right across the hospital and thirty minutes.

**XIII. **

**Playlist #12. **

**Before The Worst – The Script. **

**Breathe Me – Sia. **

**Car Crash – Matt Nathanson. **

**Lose You – Pete Yorn. **

**Let Me Sign – Robert Pattinson. **

**To Roam – Robert Pattinson. **

**All Night – Houses. **

Clare has a day off and Eli doesn't have a job. Its Labor Day and Clare decides they need to go to the park. They pack their bags and head to the park and a ton of kids are there with their loved ones. People are barbecuing and it smells good.

Meanwhile Clare and Eli just packed sandwiches.

"Are Fiona and them coming?" Eli asks and Clare smiles at Eli and shakes her head.

"Just us." She says and he nods taking the sandwich out and starts eating it. Her bag is on her right and she hears her phone starting to ring.

She takes it out and it's her mom. They talk for a while and Eli just sits back enjoying the sun and then Clare after hanging up joins him, he puts an arm around her and they look at the sky together. There are some clouds above them with kites dancing in the air.

"You know what would make this moment perfect?" Clare whispers.

Eli laughs and says, "All Night, by Houses. I know." He says and smiles looking at Clare. They kiss for a moment and then he goes back to looking.

"When would you want to get married?" He asks her conversationally.

"Soon." She smiles. And Eli nods. He does, too. And every single one of their friends does, too.

"Did you ever think about marrying Julia?" Clare asks softly and Eli nods.

"It was a possibility at the time. She was pregnant." He shakes his head as he thinks about it.

"I don't like talking about the possibilities from my past though." Eli comments and Clare nods.

"Sorry," Clare whispers and Eli shrugs.

Sometimes the silence was enough for them. They liked to be alone together just listening to music. Sometimes that's all they did. But it never bothered them just being.

The sun was slowly setting and a lot of people were packing up. Eli and Clare wake up from their nap and they grab their things. Clare waits for Eli and they hold hands as they slowly walk to the parking lot.

Clare stops them. They pull in for a kiss, eyes closed and in a split second Eli tastes…. Blood. She crashes to the ground and there's a knife in her back.

"No!" He screams as he melts to the ground with her and screams "Help! Somebody help!" He can't see through the tears, though a shadow in the dark runs with her purse nowhere to be found again.

"Stay with me," He begs her, taking off his jacket and wraps it around her like it will help somehow. "Stay with me." He begs again, rocking her. In the distance he can hear the ambulance and the people in the park are surrounding him taking pictures and questioning if he's alright.

Though this moment is one that you can't ever forget even if you tried.

**XIV. **

**Playlist #13. Live Forever. **

**Lose You – Pete Yorn. **

**Live Forever – Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors.**

**All Night – Houses. **

**Kryptonite – 3 Doors Down. **

**Someday – Steve Earl. **

**Remembering Sunday – All Time Low. **

**Only Hope – Switchfoot. **

**Hallelujah – Imogen Heap. **

Sometimes in the late of night Eli takes his car keys and drives to the bench across from the hospital. Sometimes there are stragglers waiting for that bus they missed. He pities them. Sometimes he brings his CD player – the portable one – and plays his CD's for them.

It's been a year since her death. The air has changed a bit; it's getting harder to breathe. When Eli feels bad he lights a cigarette he smiles because he can hear Clare's scolding voice. The way he reacted to her death was nothing at first. He isolated himself from people including his mom. He didn't come out of his apartment for a long time. He just listened to music, made mix tapes, went to the funeral, and spoke and ended up having to leave because he couldn't take it.

He was angry. He hated the fact that his life was so perfect and then it was taken away from him. He had no idea who he was after because he was so used to Clare. He had been so fluent that it became all he spoke. His body was falling apart and no matter how much glue he put on it never stuck. He resorted to cobwebs, and the spiders crawled throughout his entire body licking what was left of him and he couldn't get out.

But tonight he's back to the bench. He closes his eyes playing All Night by Houses on his phone. He remembers everything. Sometimes he feels like he's forgetting but it always comes back to him. Whether it's through a song or not it always comes back.

He doesn't know where to go now. His life has been on rollercoaster. But as he listens to the chorus of All Night by Houses he gets lost in his thoughts. He lays down on the bench his face up to the sky looking at the stars and he feels like he can't breathe but that's normal for him.

Then he realizes: he fell in love. He knew he loved Clare. They had said it a billion times to each other for three years, but it never really registered for those three years he was… living. He wasn't living after Julia died. He didn't think it was possible. And then he watched and held as his girlfriend was murdered. He knew that he would never forget the look on her face as she collapsed or the fact when they got to the hospital it was too late, or how her mother held Eli even though her mother didn't like Eli. Or the fact that Darcy hung out with Eli after. They still hang out because Darcy is moving back home with her mom.

Fiona and Adam and Imogen and Alli tried to talk to Eli but he couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle the stares that they gave him at the funeral. He was such a basket case. You might as well be dead too because everyone around you treats you like you're dead and they talk about how great you are. Its almost like you're dead. He wasn't sure how that is. He had three funerals the past years. He didn't know if he could handle it anymore.

All Night is playing and Eli is smiling and laughing for a second because he thinks of all the good times with Clare. They spent a lifetime within a few years. He couldn't stop thinking the memories were flooding him.

What is love? Eli thinks. He should be a master on this. But he wasn't. He had loved enough for a lifetime but he still didn't know the answer. Love was the cure. Love was the drug. Love is the infection. Love sucks. It hurts, it affects, effects, kills, breaks, damages, builds, trusts. It's everywhere. All different kinds. It angers people. It hurts people. They feel too much or not at all.

"Can I sit there?" An old man walks up to the bench. Eli gets up and moves over.

"Where you headed?" He asks the old man next to him. The man sets his cane over to the side and looks at Eli, "Home. You?" The man asks Eli.

"Same." He answers.

Eli was a broken record. The one that got stuck at the worst part and you kept hearing it, and then it got to a point where you just had to turn it off and let the dust take it. That's what he felt like.

But something about the bench where he met her, and something about the man next to him gave him a comforting feeling. It was so random, the guy sitting there next to him. He had no idea what time it was but he didn't care. The old man next to him was at peace waiting for his bus. Eli admired that. He watched the man and everytime it became more evident that… Eli would be okay.

He wasn't sure how he got that answer, but he just knew it. He met the man here by fate. They knew nothing about each other, but he felt like he needed to talk to him.

"Are you married?" Eli asks the man.

"Yes. Two kids and six grandchildren." The old man smiles.

"You?" The man asks and Eli shakes his head.

"How was your night?" Eli asks the man again.

"Good. I was just at the old music store. No one ever goes there anymore. It's a pity." Eli notices the bag that the man is carrying set by his cane.

Eli nods fully appreciating that comment.

"What are you doing out so late?" The man asks Eli and Eli just shrugs.

"I got lost."

He can hear the bus from a block away. It's the only thing that's alive besides the two men. He shakes his head because the man is leaving. Though he took the old man as a sign.

"I fell in love here." Eli tells the man.

The man slowly turns to Eli and smiles.

As the bus pulls up the man slowly takes his things and Eli feels like thanking him but he doesn't move. He doesn't speak. The man walks up to the bus and looks back.

"Well kid, are you coming?" The man asks.

For a moment Eli doesn't say anything. Its like something inside of him just froze. He doesn't move. He just looks at the man. But there is a soft breeze. His cigarette isn't burnt out yet and the song is still playing. There's thirty seconds left. He doesn't want to leave just yet. He doesn't know if he can. Because Clare is still here. Still with him in the middle of the song. She is a song a moment for Eli.

There are moments that you keep and there are moments that you make, and this one moment with the man reassured him that he would be okay. He wants to think about it some more because there is a meaning behind it. And for the first time in a long time Eli smile is genuine as he says,

"No, It's fine." He shakes his head. "I'll take the next bus."

The door closes and the bus leaves.

He doesn't know when the next bus will come. But he knows that it eventually will…

Because it always does…

**If you could review this story it would mean the world to me. I worked really hard on this story and I just want to know if you all liked it or not. **

**Review? **


End file.
